


the original lick-splickety

by T1001101 (latenightboysclub)



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Jokes, Comedy, Dirty Jokes, Humor, M/M, Slice of Life, tears in my eyes at the thought of doctor minho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 17:10:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20213332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/latenightboysclub/pseuds/T1001101
Summary: Kibum gets a little too excited while masturbating and somehow ends up with a vibrator stuck in his ass. Minho just so happens to be on-duty in the ER that day.





	the original lick-splickety

**Author's Note:**

> minho hot. also i know this is NOT how doctor's visits go. i have one tomorrow and i'm sure something like this would be a hipaa violation or something. i think i'm lacking in sex jokes (i googled some of these i am so sorry) but i hope you enjoy, promptor!!

It's not his fault, believe it when he says it. This part of the spring semester is always the absolute  _ worst _ with workloads and exams and scrambling to find housing for the coming year, so it's natural that Kibum wanted to take some time to unwind. Some people think about unwinding with walks in the park to enjoy the good weather before the pre-summer haze turns into an uncomfortable humidity, or to stretch out in front of Netflix for sixteen hours at a time watching reruns of  _ Law and Order  _ and  _ Goblin _ . It's okay, Kibum admits his divergence from the typical graduate student rituals of procrastination. He hates getting too much sun when he could be curled up under the A/C, and has seen all his favorite series forwards and backwards at least eight times each so it's only natural to search out other modes of unwinding. He did have that box collecting dust under his bed since he came back from the holiday break, so he figured it was only a matter of time before he got back into it.

It started like just another session: a long, indulgent shower, his favorite bathrobe, some mellow tunes filling the empty space, a small flute of that nice moscato he saves for this occasion. Except today, the box from under the bed is open with its contents emptied onto the bed. Kibum settles back onto the pillows with a pleased hum and stretches out his legs. As much as he loves scrolling through his list of endless potential flings, it's solo times like this that he appreciates the most. He thinks about his last hookup, the barista at his favorite on-campus cafe. Not too tall but broad in all the right places and packing a real…  _ punch _ . Kibum purrs at the memory with Barista Jinki, curling his toes and clicking the button on his favorite toy. He lets his eyes slide shut thinks about when he was last held in those strong, sexy arms.

He loses track of time in his own thoughts and pleasure. Kibum can go for hours, he's trained himself through lots and lots of sex with lots and lots of people, that's for sure. It's nothing he's ashamed of either. It's always fun meeting new people and he's a social butterfly. Not to mention his devilish good looks, charismatic personality and way with words that can leave anyone smitten. It's not every day that someone leaves him tongue-tied, though. He'll have to give Jinki a call back for another night together.

He's still thinking about Barista Jinki and his unbelievable way of using his tongue; Kibum's so close to another climax. He drives his rabbit vibrator a little faster, a little deeper, just a little more. Christ, the way Barista Jinki would look the morning after in all his nude glory and roll over and pull Kibum back to bed--

Kibum sees stars at that one. He melts like jelly into the mattress, vibrator on a low setting and sending pleasant aftershocks through his body. He likes to ride it out when he can, and today is no exception to that.

But sometimes, fate is unforgiving.

"Yo, Kibum," comes the unmistakable voice of his roommate entering the living room and oh god, he could die right here. There's rustling and glass clinking before the familiar white noise of the television overrides his music. "Did you have dinner? Let's order in tonight, I bought some drinks and we could watch a movie or something!" He reaches to his nightstand shakily to click the pause button on his phone's music player. The room goes quiet and he can hear Jonghyun's rustling a little more clearly.

How can he face his shame now? Well, it isn't like he and his roommate haven't seen each other nude before. But this? The thought of being exposed like this is almost unbearable. "Key, you home?" Oh yes, that's good. Just stay quiet and pretend he isn't home until Jjong falls asleep on the couch watching  _ To The Beautiful You _ for the fourth time this month.

There's tension for a few painstaking seconds before footsteps grow louder down the hallway. "I see your shoes at the front door, Bum, I know you're here." Curse his sharp intuition. "Are you not feeling well or something?" Kibum reaches between his legs to at least pull his vibrator free and stuff it under his pillow but his fingers grasp empty air. What? He's sure it's down there, what with the humming that rolls into the tops of his thighs. Now he's really panicking because his vibrator is definitely stuck in a place he cannot reach in time.

There's the unmistakable sound of the once-broken, twice-repaired doorknob to Kibum's room jiggling a bit as Jonghyun fiddles with it. "I'm going to come in and you can't stop me unless you wanna throw a shoe at me like all the other times."

Kibum snaps to his senses and flounders around wildly on his bed, searching for cover even though he may not be able to find it in time because of his,  _ ahem _ , little predicament. In his flurry, he manages to roll up burrito-style in the top duvet, vibrator box, open lube bottle and the whole nine going with him in this last-ditch effort to hide his dignity. One would think he'd have more grace in a situation like this.

Jonghyun finally forces the door open to a roll of blankets falling off the bed with a sharp cry of pain and a string of accented expletives as the cherry on top. "Is… is this a bad time?" Jjong calls over the bed to his beloved and now injured roommate.

"Oh, no, everything is real  _ swell! _ " Comes that unmistakable, griping pitch of an impending thunderstorm of rage. Kibum struggles to his feet with the blanket still wrapped tightly around him from head to toe. The vibrating has stopped from his toy but there's a dull pain at the base of his spine. That's great. It's either off or it's broken, either way Jonghyun owes him big time for this fiasco.

Jonghyun leans on the doorframe with a smug grin on his face. "Having a good time without me?" His question reeks of 'teenage-boy-trying-to-flirt-over-text-with-a-winky-face-attached' and Kibum viscerally gags.

"Oh, grow up, I wouldn't dream of having you in here with me."

"That's not what you said two weeks ago."

Kibum rolls his eyes. Jonghyun sounds like a horny high schooler but he wouldn't let that slip because he knows there's a whole arsenal of comebacks, and he's too achy to argue any more. "Can you just get out so I can take care of things in here?"

Jonghyun bows deeply with a flourish. "At your command, sire." He backs out of the room deep in his position and closes the door as he leaves. No sooner does the door click shut does Kibum leap back onto the bed and try to save a little bit of his sanity. Yet, even with all of his most valiant and finger-slicked efforts, he realizes this is just a few rungs above his pay grade. He tries to roll into a sitting position but is met with an awful pain that's sharper than anything he's felt before, even sharper than the pain in his neck after spending the night slumped over his work desk in the polisci department post-grading exams. It dulls after a couple drawn-out seconds into a pain that's bearable, but any shift gives way to that sharpness again.

So it's worse than he originally thought, neat. Kibum reaches for his phone with a wince and texts Jonghyun.  _ Can you come here real quick? I need something _

_ Changed your mind already? ;) _

Kibum closes his eyes and waits for his pain-in-the-ass of a roommate to come back. There's a gentle knock at the door. "Your Prince of Pleasure has arrived," Jonghyun sings through the door. "Let me know when I can enter and take you to a world of fantasy beyond your wildest imagination."

"Just come here, blockhead." Jonghyun enters and bares his teeth in a wide grin, awaiting Kibum's words. There's a little bit of an uncomfortable silence as he flounders a bit. "I think I need you to take me to the emergency room," he finally says in a very quiet voice, tugging his duvet around himself a bit more tightly.

Jonghyun drops the act almost immediately and steps into the room. "Are you okay? What happened?" He sounds truly concerned and looks like he'll run to the hospital on foot with his roommate hitched over his shoulder.

Kibum grins sheepishly. "It's not much of a story."

* * *

"Dude, I still can't believe this," Jonghyun chokes out through laughter when they pull up to a red light. "Were you that desperate for something tonight?" He turns to the back and waggles his eyebrows dramatically. "In case you've forgotten, I'm right here."

Kibum slams his face into the seat to hide his burning cheeks. "Taemin doesn't like sharing, remember? You're not exactly prime real estate." He and Jonghyun have messed around a few times too many to just be called roommates (but a couple times too few to be friends with benefits), but they enjoy their comfortable limbo of the occasional teasing and ass slapping. They met in one of those freshman Intro to Something classes that everyone needs as a gen-ed class. Jonghyun was snoring away a row behind Kibum in the lecture hall and Soyou, Kibum's friend, commented that he was pretty cute and wanted to try and rope him into their study group. She swore it was for the sake of academics but Kibum knew Soyou too well. They (she) spent an entire two weeks trying to get his attention but finally gave up after seeing him make out with a guy way too tall for him at a house party. Kibum thought he had heard the end of this Jonghyun guy until they were paired together for their final project. Between the caffeine-charged nights in the library and frantic meetings at each other's dorms, they did get to know each other well. The two got along so well (and passed their final with a decent grade) that they decided to dorm together the following year, and the year after that.

Kibum was surprised; he hadn't clicked with anyone the way he had with Jonghyun. Maybe he attributed it to the sexual tension that existed between them. Sure, they had christened every corner of their dorm sophomore year and were a fiery on-and-off pair that left flames in the wake of their arguments and sex, but they were each other's ride or dies. Kibum trusted Jonghyun and Jonghyun did the same, so it was a moderately comfortable balance.

He bears the rest of the ride in embarrassing silence, except for the occasional singing from Jonghyun. It's not like they haven't seen each other at their worsts; Kibum during a messy semester and Jjong after nightmare-filled slumber. They're as close as two roommates-slash-FWBs can be, but there's just some things that need to be kept a secret. He would've kept it a secret if he could've sat properly to drive himself, but it's fine. Jonghyun wouldn't betray his trust for anything in the world, and that's one thing Kibum is extremely thankful for. 

They pull up to the hospital and after some uncomfortable wrestling with a wheelchair, Jonghyun pushes Kibum into the lobby and up to the emergency room's reception. The woman at the desk has a sour look to her as if she's right at the end of her shift, even though the waiting room is practically empty. "Can I help you, gentlemen?"

Kibum swallows nervously. "I'd like to see the on-duty physician. I have a bit of a… problem."

The receptionist raises a brow. Jonghyun snorts behind him. How much more humiliating does this need to be? "There's a bit of an obstruction. I think my friend would like to leave the details up to the doctor," Jonghyun slides in smoothly, leaning on the counter with an elbow and a brow raised cheekily. "I can stay out here and keep you some company."

"You're trying to flirt while I'm on shift and most likely ten years older than you both?" The receptionist slides some paperwork onto the counter. "Fill these out and give them to the next nurse who comes in. Maybe you'll have better luck then." She stands and turns on her heel without a second glance at the two.

Jonghyun takes the papers and hands them to Kibum meekly. "Like she said, better luck next time, right?" Kibum snatches the papers and wheels himself over to the chairs in the lobby. There's enough shame to go around for the both of them tonight, it seems.

* * *

"Kim Kibum?" A voice calls into the lobby. Kibum looks up from his intense game of hexagonal 2048 and loses his breath almost instantly. The voice belongs to a long, tan and handsome man with a sculpted nose and jaw, a little bit of a lazy left eye and a gentle smile. This fine piece of eye candy is the doctor on-shift for tonight? Jonghyun stands up to wheel Kibum, but is stopped by a frantic hand swatting at his own.

"I can't go in there! Look at him!" Kibum whispers violently, a bit of a whine in his voice. "He's so hot and probably straight and my life is over."

Jonghyun swats back at Kibum a couple times and pushes him in the direction of the doctor. "Nonsense, it'll be great! Happy vibrating! I mean, examining!" He nods to Dr. Long, Tan and Handsome and follows him down the hall to the examination room Kibum is scheduled for. "I'll be out there waiting for you!" Jonghyun sing-songs before he flutters away with a wicked grin. He knows the doctor is exactly Kibum's type and the latter can't help but think that he and fate are playing a cruel prank on him.

The doctor closes the door and leans against the sink's countertop. "I'm Doctor Choi Minho, physician on duty tonight." Oh, what a voice. "So, what seems to be the problem? I saw the notes said there's an obstruction somewhere, but it wasn't really specified."

Kibum really thinks he could die here. "There's really no easy way to explain this."

"I'm a doctor," Minho laughs, running a hand through his bangs. "There's nothing you could say that would shock me."

He takes a deep breath. "I have a vibrator stuck, um, in my ass. I was trying to get off to relieve some stress from finals but I got a bit too carried away, then my roommate walked in on me and I fell off the bed so it should be stuck somewhere, erm, inside me."

Minho may be a doctor but he isn't insusceptible to embarrassment, as exposed by his pink cheeks. "Well, ahem, that's a new one." Kibum wants to hide in his robe and never come out. "Let's not waste any time and get you up and take a look, shall we?"

Kibum struggles to get up, change out of his robe and into one of the paper dress cover things, and onto the exam chair on all fours. He buries his face into an arm while he hears the doctor shuffle around to wash his hands and put on some gloves. He's less humiliated about being exposed like this, just embarrassed that this is his first encounter with someone as gorgeous as Minho. He didn't even get to ask for dinner yet, what a shame. "I'm going to take a look now, is that okay?"

"Yes," Kibum mumbles, closing his eyes. Minho makes a sound of affirmation and pats the back of Kibum's thigh.

"Try to relax. It'll be easier when you're not extremely tense." The gloved hand disappears for a moment then comes back, except colder and a  _ lot _ slicker. Kibum involuntarily clenches but tries to let his muscles unwind. The sooner they get through this, the sooner he can be back home and back in Barista Jinki's arms instead of trying to replace him with a plastic toy. There's some prodding and some poking, a few comforting pats with the other hand while Minho tries to get his bearings.

"So," he starts to fill the silence. "You must really be stuck between a rock and a hard place tonight. It kind of seems like the hard place is stuck in you."

What? Kibum looks over his shoulder and Minho has a flustered expression on his handsome face. "I know this isn't the best time to be making awful jokes, but you seem really nervous. I just want to break the ice a bit."

"I don't think you need to break the ice when you've got fingers up my ass and we barely know anything about each other. Jokes can't do anything to me at this point besides make what's left of my dignity nosedive off Namsan Tower."

"That's fair," Minho hums. There's some more silence for a little bit, until Minho speaks up again. "Say, what do a dildo and tofu have in common?"

Kibum huffs. "I don't know, what?"

"They're both meat substitutes."

The grad student pounds his head into the back of the exam chair, chuckling a little. "You have got to be kidding me. Your jokes are almost as bad as my roommate."

"Does your roommate tell bad jokes too?" Minho asks, crooking his fingers another way.

Kibum holds back the reflexive urge to jolt. "No, he's just unbearable." Minho's fingers would feel really, really good if he wasn't in this situation. Well, his fingers do feel kind of nice but it's a 'wrong place at the wrong time' type of situation. It would really suck if he got hard here too, and not in the way he'd like to do to Minho.

The doctor chuckles. "I'm sure nothing is worse than what I have up my sleeve." There's some silence again, except it's not as uncomfortable as the last pause between them. Who knew a couple corny sex jokes from a hottie like him would make Kibum feel a little more at ease.

"Hang on now, I've got it. Take a deep breath." Minho twists his wrist just slightly and there's a wet noise that Kibum thinks he'll  _ die _ from hearing and all of a sudden the pain has dulled down. He peeks over his shoulder and there it is, his sparkly purple rabbit vibrator in Minho's hand. "See, that wasn't so hard. Not as hard as this bad boy."

Kibum grimaces playfully and shifts into a sitting position. "Thank you, oh wise butt doctor."

Minho comes back with Kibum's toy in a sealed bag, chuckling. "I'll have to add that title to my curriculum vitae." He hands it back to him and pats his shoulder sympathetically.

Kibum feigns embarrassment and hides his face with a groan, but he's smiling. He's as humiliated as he can be but the night hasn't been a total bust. "Can I go home now? I've been thoroughly examined and I think I'm ready for bed."

The doctor writes a few notes on a few sheets of paper and hands it to him. "You're all taken care of. There's a prescription for a painkiller here. Ease off any strenuous activity for a couple days, that includes sex. You'll get to live the easy life for a little while but you should be back on your feet in no time." Minho cocks an eyebrow. "And if you have any more troubles," the timbre in his voice gets a little low, "you know where to find me." Kibum shivers. He stands up and holds a hand out. "Take care, Kibum-ssi." Kibum shakes his hand and with a small salute, Minho steps out of the examination room. What a shame, he may never get to see this cute physician ever again unless some sort of freak accident happens. 

Kibum sighs and looks down at the documents to shuffle through them. There's a couple doctor's notes, orders for recovery, nothing exciting. It isn't until he gets to the last paper, totally blank save for the writing at the end, and is that a  _ phone number _ down there? His heart beats rapidly. So it wasn't just him, Minho was feeling it too (figuratively and literally). What a score. He looks down at the note written with the phone number.

_ Remember, Kibum-ssi, before you use a vibrator you need to think long and hard. -- Minho _


End file.
